SHEPHERD MD
by Blue Panda
Summary: The Untold Stories of Dr Jack Shepherd and his doctor days that the writers won’t put in his flashbacks because they obviously don’t know anything medical or maybe it’s because the entire staff of doctors happened to be the Losties. R&R! PARODY!
1. Strip Jack Naked

Its lunch time…random doctors and patients are enjoying tacos, burgers, ham sandwiches, and microwave pizzas…the lights shut off…smoke begins to rise…colorful spot lights pointing to the end of the cafeteria where 4 people stand back facing to the crowd…

_It's tearing up my heart when I'm with you, but when we are apart I feel it too and no matter what I do, I feel the pain with or without you!_

Jack, Locke, Desmond, and Charlie the four best know doctors of the hospital, jump off the tables and start dancing as if they were 16.

_Hey!_

**Jack's solo**

_Baby I don't understand, _

_Just why we can't be lovers,_

_Things are getting out of hand!_

_Trying to too much but baby we can win!_

_Let it go if you want me girl let me know I'm am down on my knees I can't take it any more_

**Everyone sings**

ITS TEARIN' UP MY HEART WHEN I'M WITH YOU BUT WHEN WE ARE APART I FEEL IT TOO AND NO MATTER WHAT I DO I FEEL THE PAIN WITH OR WITH OUT YOU!

**Charlie's solo**

_Baby don't misunderstand _

_Misunderstand_

_What I'm trying to tell you in the corner of my mind_

_Corner of my mind_

_It fells like we're running out of time_

_Let it go if you want me girl let me know I'm am down on my knees I can't take it any more_

**Everyone sings**

ITS TEARIN' UP MY HEART WHEN I'M WITH YOU BUT WHEN WE ARE APART I FEEL IT TOO AND NO MATTER WHAT I DO I FEEL THE PAIN WITH OR WITH OUT YOU!

_The music dies down and they stop singing, they end their performance it a typical boy band "I'm hot and I know it" stance. _

_Some 90 year old lady stands up screaming her head off_

**Old Lady**: Marty you're hot baby!

_Charlie then turns to Jack_

**Charlie:** What? Who's Marty?

**Jack:** She's my patient…she's got some neurological problems…either that or it's because she eating that canned pudding…

**Charlie:** Oh…

_The lights turn back on, but no one gets the hint to get back to their lunch…every one stares at them _

_Locke jumps back onto the table_

**Locke:** Damn I feel sexy!

_I'm too sexy for my shirt _

_Too sexy for my shirt_

_So sexy it hurts_

Locke then takes off his white Doctor's coat

Jack then jumps onto the table with Locke just to push him off.

**Jack:** Hey man that show isn't till tonight when all the little kids are gone…I really don't think they want to see you without your shirt buddy, they'll just end up right back in the ER.

**Locke:** …Ok

_The four then walk over to the table where Kate, the head ER nurse, and Sawyer the Hospital's Patient Counselor are sitting._

**Desmond:** Man that was fun brotha!

**Charlie:** You can say that again!

**Kate:** I want to play a game!

**Sawyer:** What kind of game?

**Kate:** I want to play "Strip Jack Naked"

_Jack then chokes on his low calorie burrito_

**Jack:** What! Cough cough cough

**Kate: **Yeah you heard me!

**Locke:** Well this is going to be interesting…If I can't take off my shirt then at least Jack can take off his pants!

**Charlie:** Oh boy and like this isn't going to traumatize the kids?

**Kate:** It's a card game you morons…

**Desmond:** I've never heard of such a perverted card game name.

**Charlie:** Uhh…I've heard worse…

**Sawyer:** Isn't that the weird name for Beggar my Neighbor?

**Kate:** Yeah!

_Jack finally stops gasping and manages to get a breath after nearing dying from a cruddy burrito._

**Jack:** At least its not slap Jack…

**Sawyer:** To bad I love that game…for obvious reasons

**Jack:** Why are you a counselor?

_But before Sawyer could answer the pagers went off_

"**26 y/o male, MVA, w/multi Fx, possible neck injury"**

_The core (meaning Jack, Locke, Desmond, and Charlie) rushed up from the table to head to the emergency department…Kate followed behind them leaving Sawyer with the killer burrito._

**SLOW MOTION**

_The core walks in a perfect formation with Jack leading._

_Their coats acting as a cape as the rush though the hall way_

_The put on their sun glasses as the "Matrix" music begins_

_Jumping out of trash cans Ninjas attack_

_Charlie jumps into the air swinging his stethoscope hitting the ninjas_

_Out from under the stretchers come freaky janitors (the others) to prevent the core from going any further_

**Jack:** It ends tonight!

**Ben:** I know I've seen it that's why the rest of us are here to enjoy the show we all know that I'm the one who beats you!

_Jack Locke Desmond Charlie and Kate pull out medicated machine guns._

**Kate:** Don't make us shoot you with these expensive medications.

**Desmond:** There not covered from that 4 dollar plan at Wal-Mart.

**Charlie:** They cost money.

_Charlie standing proud and tall from his "sharp" statement_

**Locke:** Duh.

**Jack:** I won't take this any more, ready aim fire

_Pop pop pop pop pop pop pop_

_Ben and Co. ran away because they knew if they shot more pills then they would be the ones who had to clean up the mess…after all they are janitors…_

**Jack:** Well done team lets fly!

_The core then flew to the emergency department…I don't now how but they did._

_When they got there Shannon the secretary emergency call lady was there to greet them._

**Jack:** Where's the MVA patient

**Shannon:** Just kidding :D

_Jack wasn't smiling_

**Shannon:** I said just kidding :D

_Shannon the nudged Jack's arm_

**Jack:** Look a distraction!

**Shannon:** Where

_Jack pushed Shannon onto a stretcher and pushed her out of the emergency department_.

_Jack then turns to his colleges_

**Jack:** That was fun :D

TO BE CONTINUED

REVIEWS ARE LOVED

A/N: Yes I did get the title off of HOUSE MVD; also a MVA is a term used meaning car accident. It's a snow day for me today :D


	2. Germany

**Charlie:** I want to take a trip to Germany.

**Hurley:** I want a pony, that I can ride though the meadows of Ireland….

Charlie and Hurley were standing outside the hospital in front of the ER, they took a small break to celebrate Hurley's promotion from cashier to lunch lady…well I guess you can call it a promotion.

**Hurley:** I found hair in the pasta this morning so don't eat it…I hate it when it gets tangled in your fork.

**Charlie:** Ok…but that doesn't solve my Germany problem.

_Desmond walked up._

**Desmond:** What's up brotha?

**Hurley:** Charlie wants to go to Germany…

Charlie: You're from Germany aren't ya?

**Desmond:** I'm from Scotland man!

**Hurley:** They're the same thing aren't they I mean there both in Canada…

**Desmond:** Right Hurley….and the Russians bombed Pearl Harbor…

**Charlie:** I think when our shift is over we should take a road trip to Germany.

**Hurley:** We should take Jack with us, you know just in case we…step on something…like…you know…

**Desmond:** Dog poop.

**Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!**

_Desmond jumped up from being startled and found Vincent standing behind him_

**Vincent:** I don't appreciate the "Dog" Jokes….it really humiliates me, I mean 5,000 years ago Humans pooped on the ground too!

**Charlie:** Sorry about that Vincent.

**Vincent:** You should be! Beside whose gonna defend you when you get sued?

_Vincent tock off _

**Hurley:** Dude…did that Dog just talk?

**Desmond:** Yeah, he's the Hospital's Attorney…

_Later that Day_

**Jack:** Ok guys I'm ready for Germany!

_The Core started their trip to Germany_

_1 Hour Later_

**Charlie:** Man guys I'm gonna die from exhaustion!

_4 More Hours Later_

**Desmond:** Ah! Jack I need water

_8 More Hours Later_

**Jack:** Come on man I know you can do it!

**Hurley:** Go on without me!

**Jack:** Just focus on how happy you will be once you get there.

**Desmond**: Jack how far have we walked

_Vincent ran up_

**Vincent:** You're 2 yards away from the entrance of the hospital morons….

_Vincent ran off…again_

_Suddenly_

**Charlie**: GUYS LOOK OVER THERE…ITS….ITS….GERMANY!

**Jack:** Der Wienerschnitzel?

**Hurley:** FOOD!

_The Core ran across the street to Germany_

_Hurley ran over to the Cashier_

**Hurley:** I wonder if they speak English.

**Desmond**: I don't know lets see?

**Desmond:** Can _I_ have a HOT DOG…HOT DOG

_Desmond drawing a picture of a Hot Dog with his fingers in the air_

**Cahier:** Ok.

**Jack:** I want one too, tell him that!

**Charlie**: Give me a chili dog!

**Desmond:** Two HOT DOGS and a CHILI DOG

**Cashier**: Ok

_Everyone's food is delivered_

**Jack:** mmmmm!

**Hurley:** Excuse! Sir!

_Cashier walks over_

**Hurley:** How do you say delicious…D-Licios!

**Cashiers:** Delicious

_After their trip to Germany they return to the ER_

**Jack:** God people in Germany make good Hot Dogs

**Charlie:** I know my Chili Dog was great

**Desmond:** We should go back to Germany

**Hurley:** Huh Hot DOG…good thing Vincent isn't here, he'll get offended

**Jack:** Do you guys smell that?

**Charlie:** AW! Hurley what did you do!

**Hurley:** AW! Crap I stepped in dog poop

**Vincent:** Don't call me hot! I find it disturbing!

_Vincent ran off again…again_

**Jack:** I feel like singing

**Jack: **

_The shareef dont like it  
Rockin the casbah  
Rock the casbah  
The shareef dont like it  
Rockin the casbah  
Rock the casbah_

**Charlie:** I thought it was Stop the Cat Box

**Desmond:** No it was Lock the Cash Box

**Jack:** Who cares lets just sing!

**Everyone:**

_The shareef dont like it  
Rockin the casbah  
Rock the casbah  
The shareef dont like it  
Rockin the casbah  
Rock the casbah_

TO BE CONTINUED…

REVIEWS ARE LOVED!


	3. Golf Band

**Charlie:** I once was in marching band….

**Sawyer:** I was a cheerleader…

**Jack:** I was the Captain of D&D (dungeons and dragons) in high school…

**Hurley:** want to play golf?

**Jack:** After that triple bi-pass surgery on that guy's kidney I could use some fun!

**Sawyer:** Is that possible?

**Jack**: uh…I think so…

_At a random golf course call screaming creek foot stool (don't ask)_

**Jack:** Ok get it into the hole…

_Jack started his swing_

_Trumpets playing, drums pounding, Rocky theme song begins to play_

**Jack:** What the crap was that

**Charlie**: Oh sorry Jack did I distract you? I just though it would be cool to have a golf band you know marching band and golf put together.

**Sawyer:** Oh no you band geek loud music is not distracting in a game that requires some concentration…keep playing!

**Hurley:** dude is there such thing as a golf band?

**Jack**: No Hurley there isn't….

_Jack hit the ball despite the loud noise of Charlie's marching golf band or whatever he called it_

_But sadly the ball went into a tuba and it was force back out with more momentum and hit sawyer in the eye._

**Sawyer:** Ha ha ha my eye is it bleeding…ha ha ha ha I can't find my eye…isn't that funny…

**Jack:** he's delirious…

**Sawyer:** Seriously where'd it go ha ha ha ha ha

After their game of golf

**Sawyer:** Tengo un sujetador al azar en mi extremo y no puedo conseguirlo hacia fuera. ¿Y por qué Locke olía mi plátano es ese individuo alto o algo? No puedo calcular hacia fuera porqué mi cara es tan grande...(yes I do know Spanish as well as a little ASL and a few words in German….)

**Hurley:** Why do you have a bra in your butt?

**Sawyer:** I don't know! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

_Suddenly a girly scream was heard_

**Locke:** Why is there an eye in my coffee

**Sawyer:** That's mine you idiot

_Sawyer punched Locke in the face_

**Locke:** Finland!

THE END….and least for this chapter…..thanks clam's uncle for this idea!


	4. Meow Mix

**Jack:** I feel high today! Let's show everyone in this hospital how I feel about them!

_Jack stands up on the nurse's desk and grabs the microphone to the intercom and starts singing!_

**Jack: **

Somebody told me that you had a boyfriend that looked like a girlfriend that I had in February of last year its not confidential I got potential!

**Kate:** Stop talking about Sawyer like that it'll hurt his felines!

**Jack:** Felines?

**Kate:** Yeah Sawyer doesn't have feelings he has felines!

**Sawyer:** Hsssssssssss! MEOW!

_Sawyer sits down and starts liking his hand…I mean paw…_

**Jack:** sighed…our famous hospital counselor is now a cat…

**Sawyer:** Prrrrrrrrrrrrr….

_Charlie walks down the hallway also singing_

**Charlie:**

The hip bone is connected to the, funny bone

And the funny bone is connected to the, Trombone

And the Trombone is wired to the telephone and that's

And that's why I'm a brain surgeon…

_Sawyer walks over to Charlie and starts rubbing his head against his leg_

**Charlie:** AH!

_Charlie starts hitting sawyer with his stethoscope_

_Sawyer jumps up and scratches Charlie's face…._

_Moments later_

**Sawyer:**

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

**Everyone else starts joining in:**

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

**Michael (who just happened to randomly appear):**

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

**Everyone again: **

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Meow meow meow meow

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

Walt walt walt walt

**Jack:** Well…that was exhilarating!

**Charlie:** Better than my freshman year it college!

**Jack:** Ok.

**Jack:** So you guys want to get a Jamba juice?

**Kate:** Sure!

**Jack:** Ok.

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me

**Kate: **Jack?

**Jack:** Yeah?

**Kate:** Don't start…

_Hurley falls from the sky_

**Hurley:** Giraffe!

**A/N:** Hey people well I think I'm official at a writer's block…this story is slowly drifting away from any medicalness, and I have ran out of random ideas…please give me something to work on :D Also I barely have any votes for Survivor: The Lost Island I need more votes, please give it to me in a review for that story so I can keep track better. Also if you want to vote on the finalist for my Golden globes you still can. So I guess that's it…


End file.
